Apparently, I'm ridiculously inept at everything having to do with them. It's frustrating as hell. I'm not good-looking. I'm not built. Fortunately, women will go for a guy's personality more than the other way around, so I turn into the ultimate friend. I can make friends with women until I realize I like them. Then it gets awkward. Then I get awkward. I did it with the girl in my previous post. Now, every time I talk to her, it feels like I'm forcing the conversation and she wants no part of it...but she's too nice to say that. She'll just give one-word responses that might as well be conversation enders, maybe because she's just tired or maybe she wants me to get the hint that she's not interested or maybe because she's playing hard to get. Hell if I know.
And it's not just women. It's like I can't form any solid relationship. With anybody. It always starts out well. They assume you're like them and treat you with the same respect they'd give anyone else. Then they get to know you. Then the social awkwardness comes out. Then they notice you're just a little different than everyone else...and not in a good way...they don't get the "warm fuzzy." Then they start to distance themselves. The cover of civility is still there, usually. We're all adults, so we've learned to talk about people only behind their backs or ignore them instead of shoving it in their faces. In a way, it's crueler. At least as a kid, you knew where you stood, even if it was at the bottom of the pecking order. As an adult, you might suspect you're at the bottom, but unless you do something so blatantly heinous that everyone openly shuns you, you're expected to carry on like everything's normal and just deal with the constant cold shoulder...with the tiny indications that you're not on the same level as everyone else.
I just wonder when things are going to change. If they can ever change. You hear about people being socially awkward when they're younger, then snapping out of it and becoming normal. I'm 27 years old. Most of the folks I work with who are my age are married and have a kid or two. I've never even had a girlfriend and have failed awkwardly every time I've tried. I know God has a plan. He's kept me going so many times where I could've completely fallen off the wagon. I'd just like to know what that plan is.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Got 99 problems...and they all suck.
There's about three other things I should be doing right now...schoolwork so I stop failing graduate classes, studying for my job so I stop sucking at it, working out so I won't be a skinny, out-of-shape guy with a big belly...but I'm doing this instead because I've got stuff to get off my chest and, other than God (who knows all about it anyway), there's nobody I can really talk to about it.
Not a whole lot has changed since my last post almost two years ago. Minor circumstances have changed. People have come and gone. I'm in a different job position, although, like two years ago, I'm really friggin new at it and not very good. Hopefully, I'll eventually get good at it, unlike my previous position.
What's killing me is that the major narrative of my life really hasn't changed much at all. I'm now 26, almost 27. Still never had a girlfriend. Still never even kissed a girl. Still socially awkward. Still indisciplined. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time changing.
I guess I've improved in the sense that I'm not deathly afraid of talking to women anymore. The problem is that when I do, I'm still the stammering, awkward dork who starts to say something cool or funny, then mixes up words, tries to correct it, and totally fails. There are some guys who are good-looking enough to where they can be like that and get away with it. I'm not one of those guys. And then, after I eff up a conversation all to hell, I get quiet. Really friggin quiet. Awkwardly quiet. I fade into the background of conversations even when I should be right in the middle. I completely miss social cues or misinterpret them.
Case in point: There's this girl I've been talking to recently. We've known each other for a few years, but since we've lived in different parts of the country for most of that time (plus she was in high school and I was in college when we met), we were never really close. Now she's in college and we live in the same area. I've hung out with her a few times. Been to a few parties with her and her friends. Even been out just with her for a few drinks once. At no point, did I ever get any clear indication that she was interested. At least, not clear to me. Lots of ambiguous indications...and the ambiguity keeps me from acting on it because I'm averse to getting rejected and ruining the friendship if I'm wrong. I don't even know why I'm so obsessed with this girl. She's not a Christian. She's not even really that physically attractive. She's put on some weight in the last couple of years. I guess it's just her personality. She likes to joke around. She makes sex jokes. She acts like she has some level of respect for me. I guess that's the key thing right there. Physically, she's not horrible and every other quality about her is attractive.
And now, I think I may have screwed it all up. I think she may have picked up on the fact that I want to be more than friends, doesn't feel that way, and is trying to keep her distance. Or maybe she thinks I rejected her when she laid her head on my shoulder and I was too socially inept to do anything about it. Maybe she realized just how socially awkward I am and wants no part of it. Maybe I'm subconsciously not reacting to social cues because deep down, I know that unless she becomes a Christian, I could never marry her. Maybe God is trying to protect me from some level of crazy.
And as I was typing this, I had a pretty good texting conversation with her. Still not sure if it's just a friend thing, but at least she's not keeping her distance.
Back to work.
Not a whole lot has changed since my last post almost two years ago. Minor circumstances have changed. People have come and gone. I'm in a different job position, although, like two years ago, I'm really friggin new at it and not very good. Hopefully, I'll eventually get good at it, unlike my previous position.
What's killing me is that the major narrative of my life really hasn't changed much at all. I'm now 26, almost 27. Still never had a girlfriend. Still never even kissed a girl. Still socially awkward. Still indisciplined. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time changing.
I guess I've improved in the sense that I'm not deathly afraid of talking to women anymore. The problem is that when I do, I'm still the stammering, awkward dork who starts to say something cool or funny, then mixes up words, tries to correct it, and totally fails. There are some guys who are good-looking enough to where they can be like that and get away with it. I'm not one of those guys. And then, after I eff up a conversation all to hell, I get quiet. Really friggin quiet. Awkwardly quiet. I fade into the background of conversations even when I should be right in the middle. I completely miss social cues or misinterpret them.
Case in point: There's this girl I've been talking to recently. We've known each other for a few years, but since we've lived in different parts of the country for most of that time (plus she was in high school and I was in college when we met), we were never really close. Now she's in college and we live in the same area. I've hung out with her a few times. Been to a few parties with her and her friends. Even been out just with her for a few drinks once. At no point, did I ever get any clear indication that she was interested. At least, not clear to me. Lots of ambiguous indications...and the ambiguity keeps me from acting on it because I'm averse to getting rejected and ruining the friendship if I'm wrong. I don't even know why I'm so obsessed with this girl. She's not a Christian. She's not even really that physically attractive. She's put on some weight in the last couple of years. I guess it's just her personality. She likes to joke around. She makes sex jokes. She acts like she has some level of respect for me. I guess that's the key thing right there. Physically, she's not horrible and every other quality about her is attractive.
And now, I think I may have screwed it all up. I think she may have picked up on the fact that I want to be more than friends, doesn't feel that way, and is trying to keep her distance. Or maybe she thinks I rejected her when she laid her head on my shoulder and I was too socially inept to do anything about it. Maybe she realized just how socially awkward I am and wants no part of it. Maybe I'm subconsciously not reacting to social cues because deep down, I know that unless she becomes a Christian, I could never marry her. Maybe God is trying to protect me from some level of crazy.
And as I was typing this, I had a pretty good texting conversation with her. Still not sure if it's just a friend thing, but at least she's not keeping her distance.
Back to work.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Welcome
Kind of a simple title, but couldn't really think of anything else.
For those of you who've stumbled across this blog by accident (which is everyone but me), there's no need for me to introduce myself. Who I am isn't important...nor is where I am...nor what I do for a living. These things might become apparent in later posts, but for now, this blog is just a collection of thoughts on how I feel at the particular time of writing. I suppose one piece of information that might be useful is that no matter how depressing a post I might make on this blog, no matter how down I appear, I'm not suicidal, so there's no need to try to intervene with comments or messages telling me how much I have to live for or how every human life is important. I'm not going to kill myself.
I guess my main reason for making this blog is just to get stuff off my chest. I'm a guy. Guys don't bitch to other people. There's a reason the word we use for that is "bitch." It's what women do. Women bitch to other women. Women bitch to men. Men don't bitch to anybody because the moment we do, we're seen (in some cases, rightly) as insecure, whiny little...bitches. But the reality is we're all insecure, whiny little bitches...most of all, people who go through great trouble to make it look like they're not. The guy who's always the loudest. The life of the party. The douchebag who goes the club with his popped collar and three pounds of hair gel. We all have our insecurities. We all have our fears. And we all need an outlet for them. I guess this is my outlet.
Over the years, I've listened to a lot of people tell me about their problems...mostly my mother. For the 20+ years I lived at home and the few years I've been away from home, the most common theme of our conversations has been everything that's wrong with my dad. He spends too much money and doesn't put in enough work to get the money he needs. He's a super neat-freak who gets upset when someone leaves something out of place, but a hypocrite because he's very messy himself. He's bad-tempered to the point of violence with his family and overly agreeable with everyone else...often to the detriment of himself and his family. And those criticisms are generally valid.
But I digress.
I've tried keeping blogs before. I was on Xanga back in the day...then when everybody went over to Myspace, I went there too. I liked the "private blog" feature of Myspace because I could write whatever and only I would be able to see it...but that's not an option anymore...and if it is, I'm just too technologically-retarded to find it. I'm on Facebook, but of course, there's nothing private on Facebook. So what I was left with were three sites that I could blog on, but none on which I didn't have to worry about keeping up appearances. Anything I post can instantly be seen by friends and relatives. So here I am.
Here I am. A 24-year-old guy who has a bachelor's degree, a great job, family who loves him, great amounts of God-given favor over the course of his life...and feels utterly worthless. I'm indisciplined. I'm socially-awkward and have been that way most of my life. I've never even kissed a girl, let alone had a girlfriend. Quite a few people at work think I'm an idiot who sucks at his job. I've done quite a few things to justify that opinion. I've been living at my current apartment for ten months and I've never gotten around to buying furniture beyond a TV, a card table, and four chairs. The floor of my apartment is a disaster area with clothes and papers everywhere...and here I am blogging instead of taking care of it.
In short, I know exactly what's wrong with me...I know I need to fix it...I know how to fix it...but I don't really know how to fix it...if that makes any sense at all. The solutions sound simple. Start being disciplined. Study your job well and be good at your craft. Be friendly with people and you'll have friends. I want to do these things...but every time I try...or think about trying...I either fail miserably or just get too distracted with other things to even try.
I know God's got a purpose for me. He has to. I've been through too much, I've seen His favor too often to possibly think anything different. But I keep going through life either failing or just scraping by...and it makes me wonder if I'll ever change...if I ever can change.
I guess if I've been scraping by on God's grace, then He thinks I can change...so that means I can. I've just gotta be willing to do it.
I'd better get to bed so I can get up and be productive tomorrow. Here goes.
For those of you who've stumbled across this blog by accident (which is everyone but me), there's no need for me to introduce myself. Who I am isn't important...nor is where I am...nor what I do for a living. These things might become apparent in later posts, but for now, this blog is just a collection of thoughts on how I feel at the particular time of writing. I suppose one piece of information that might be useful is that no matter how depressing a post I might make on this blog, no matter how down I appear, I'm not suicidal, so there's no need to try to intervene with comments or messages telling me how much I have to live for or how every human life is important. I'm not going to kill myself.
I guess my main reason for making this blog is just to get stuff off my chest. I'm a guy. Guys don't bitch to other people. There's a reason the word we use for that is "bitch." It's what women do. Women bitch to other women. Women bitch to men. Men don't bitch to anybody because the moment we do, we're seen (in some cases, rightly) as insecure, whiny little...bitches. But the reality is we're all insecure, whiny little bitches...most of all, people who go through great trouble to make it look like they're not. The guy who's always the loudest. The life of the party. The douchebag who goes the club with his popped collar and three pounds of hair gel. We all have our insecurities. We all have our fears. And we all need an outlet for them. I guess this is my outlet.
Over the years, I've listened to a lot of people tell me about their problems...mostly my mother. For the 20+ years I lived at home and the few years I've been away from home, the most common theme of our conversations has been everything that's wrong with my dad. He spends too much money and doesn't put in enough work to get the money he needs. He's a super neat-freak who gets upset when someone leaves something out of place, but a hypocrite because he's very messy himself. He's bad-tempered to the point of violence with his family and overly agreeable with everyone else...often to the detriment of himself and his family. And those criticisms are generally valid.
But I digress.
I've tried keeping blogs before. I was on Xanga back in the day...then when everybody went over to Myspace, I went there too. I liked the "private blog" feature of Myspace because I could write whatever and only I would be able to see it...but that's not an option anymore...and if it is, I'm just too technologically-retarded to find it. I'm on Facebook, but of course, there's nothing private on Facebook. So what I was left with were three sites that I could blog on, but none on which I didn't have to worry about keeping up appearances. Anything I post can instantly be seen by friends and relatives. So here I am.
Here I am. A 24-year-old guy who has a bachelor's degree, a great job, family who loves him, great amounts of God-given favor over the course of his life...and feels utterly worthless. I'm indisciplined. I'm socially-awkward and have been that way most of my life. I've never even kissed a girl, let alone had a girlfriend. Quite a few people at work think I'm an idiot who sucks at his job. I've done quite a few things to justify that opinion. I've been living at my current apartment for ten months and I've never gotten around to buying furniture beyond a TV, a card table, and four chairs. The floor of my apartment is a disaster area with clothes and papers everywhere...and here I am blogging instead of taking care of it.
In short, I know exactly what's wrong with me...I know I need to fix it...I know how to fix it...but I don't really know how to fix it...if that makes any sense at all. The solutions sound simple. Start being disciplined. Study your job well and be good at your craft. Be friendly with people and you'll have friends. I want to do these things...but every time I try...or think about trying...I either fail miserably or just get too distracted with other things to even try.
I know God's got a purpose for me. He has to. I've been through too much, I've seen His favor too often to possibly think anything different. But I keep going through life either failing or just scraping by...and it makes me wonder if I'll ever change...if I ever can change.
I guess if I've been scraping by on God's grace, then He thinks I can change...so that means I can. I've just gotta be willing to do it.
I'd better get to bed so I can get up and be productive tomorrow. Here goes.
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