Welcome

Kind of a simple title, but couldn't really think of anything else.

For those of you who've stumbled across this blog by accident (which is everyone but me), there's no need for me to introduce myself. Who I am isn't important...nor is where I am...nor what I do for a living. These things might become apparent in later posts, but for now, this blog is just a collection of thoughts on how I feel at the particular time of writing. I suppose one piece of information that might be useful is that no matter how depressing a post I might make on this blog, no matter how down I appear, I'm not suicidal, so there's no need to try to intervene with comments or messages telling me how much I have to live for or how every human life is important. I'm not going to kill myself.

I guess my main reason for making this blog is just to get stuff off my chest. I'm a guy. Guys don't bitch to other people. There's a reason the word we use for that is "bitch." It's what women do. Women bitch to other women. Women bitch to men. Men don't bitch to anybody because the moment we do, we're seen (in some cases, rightly) as insecure, whiny little...bitches. But the reality is we're all insecure, whiny little bitches...most of all, people who go through great trouble to make it look like they're not. The guy who's always the loudest. The life of the party. The douchebag who goes the club with his popped collar and three pounds of hair gel. We all have our insecurities. We all have our fears. And we all need an outlet for them. I guess this is my outlet.

Over the years, I've listened to a lot of people tell me about their problems...mostly my mother. For the 20+ years I lived at home and the few years I've been away from home, the most common theme of our conversations has been everything that's wrong with my dad. He spends too much money and doesn't put in enough work to get the money he needs. He's a super neat-freak who gets upset when someone leaves something out of place, but a hypocrite because he's very messy himself. He's bad-tempered to the point of violence with his family and overly agreeable with everyone else...often to the detriment of himself and his family. And those criticisms are generally valid.

But I digress.

I've tried keeping blogs before. I was on Xanga back in the day...then when everybody went over to Myspace, I went there too. I liked the "private blog" feature of Myspace because I could write whatever and only I would be able to see it...but that's not an option anymore...and if it is, I'm just too technologically-retarded to find it. I'm on Facebook, but of course, there's nothing private on Facebook. So what I was left with were three sites that I could blog on, but none on which I didn't have to worry about keeping up appearances. Anything I post can instantly be seen by friends and relatives. So here I am.

Here I am. A 24-year-old guy who has a bachelor's degree, a great job, family who loves him, great amounts of God-given favor over the course of his life...and feels utterly worthless. I'm indisciplined. I'm socially-awkward and have been that way most of my life. I've never even kissed a girl, let alone had a girlfriend. Quite a few people at work think I'm an idiot who sucks at his job. I've done quite a few things to justify that opinion. I've been living at my current apartment for ten months and I've never gotten around to buying furniture beyond a TV, a card table, and four chairs. The floor of my apartment is a disaster area with clothes and papers everywhere...and here I am blogging instead of taking care of it.

In short, I know exactly what's wrong with me...I know I need to fix it...I know how to fix it...but I don't really know how to fix it...if that makes any sense at all. The solutions sound simple. Start being disciplined. Study your job well and be good at your craft. Be friendly with people and you'll have friends. I want to do these things...but every time I try...or think about trying...I either fail miserably or just get too distracted with other things to even try.

I know God's got a purpose for me. He has to. I've been through too much, I've seen His favor too often to possibly think anything different. But I keep going through life either failing or just scraping by...and it makes me wonder if I'll ever change...if I ever can change.

I guess if I've been scraping by on God's grace, then He thinks I can change...so that means I can. I've just gotta be willing to do it.

I'd better get to bed so I can get up and be productive tomorrow. Here goes.