There's about three other things I should be doing right now...schoolwork so I stop failing graduate classes, studying for my job so I stop sucking at it, working out so I won't be a skinny, out-of-shape guy with a big belly...but I'm doing this instead because I've got stuff to get off my chest and, other than God (who knows all about it anyway), there's nobody I can really talk to about it.
Not a whole lot has changed since my last post almost two years ago. Minor circumstances have changed. People have come and gone. I'm in a different job position, although, like two years ago, I'm really friggin new at it and not very good. Hopefully, I'll eventually get good at it, unlike my previous position.
What's killing me is that the major narrative of my life really hasn't changed much at all. I'm now 26, almost 27. Still never had a girlfriend. Still never even kissed a girl. Still socially awkward. Still indisciplined. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time changing.
I guess I've improved in the sense that I'm not deathly afraid of talking to women anymore. The problem is that when I do, I'm still the stammering, awkward dork who starts to say something cool or funny, then mixes up words, tries to correct it, and totally fails. There are some guys who are good-looking enough to where they can be like that and get away with it. I'm not one of those guys. And then, after I eff up a conversation all to hell, I get quiet. Really friggin quiet. Awkwardly quiet. I fade into the background of conversations even when I should be right in the middle. I completely miss social cues or misinterpret them.
Case in point: There's this girl I've been talking to recently. We've known each other for a few years, but since we've lived in different parts of the country for most of that time (plus she was in high school and I was in college when we met), we were never really close. Now she's in college and we live in the same area. I've hung out with her a few times. Been to a few parties with her and her friends. Even been out just with her for a few drinks once. At no point, did I ever get any clear indication that she was interested. At least, not clear to me. Lots of ambiguous indications...and the ambiguity keeps me from acting on it because I'm averse to getting rejected and ruining the friendship if I'm wrong. I don't even know why I'm so obsessed with this girl. She's not a Christian. She's not even really that physically attractive. She's put on some weight in the last couple of years. I guess it's just her personality. She likes to joke around. She makes sex jokes. She acts like she has some level of respect for me. I guess that's the key thing right there. Physically, she's not horrible and every other quality about her is attractive.
And now, I think I may have screwed it all up. I think she may have picked up on the fact that I want to be more than friends, doesn't feel that way, and is trying to keep her distance. Or maybe she thinks I rejected her when she laid her head on my shoulder and I was too socially inept to do anything about it. Maybe she realized just how socially awkward I am and wants no part of it. Maybe I'm subconsciously not reacting to social cues because deep down, I know that unless she becomes a Christian, I could never marry her. Maybe God is trying to protect me from some level of crazy.
And as I was typing this, I had a pretty good texting conversation with her. Still not sure if it's just a friend thing, but at least she's not keeping her distance.
Back to work.
